Big Cat God Productions

WASHED Report: An old man goes to the club

Wife wanted to dance, so to the club we go1. Below follows a list of observations in a loosely chronological order. READ THE FOOTNOOTES2.

  1. I am definitely too old for this.
  2. 8 degrees Fahrenheit is way too cold to wait in a line.
  3. I always wondered who went to clubs early. Now I know.
  4. Bamboozle alert: it is a 18+ club, not 21+. I didn’t even know that was legal.3
  5. I am too old to be carded. Come on, do you think a teenager has a beard this fine?
  6. There was a humongous coat check line. Why were the youth in it? What happened to piling them in a corner or in the middle of the circle? Why isn’t there an old people line? I would like preferential treatment please.
    • Coat checks take cards now? Pennies are being discontinued. Singles still have some use in strip clubs4. Lincoln better watch out.
  7. Gen Z and Gen Alpha have no manners. Boys should be opening the way for their friends. Taller people should do the same and find the better spots on the floor. You must maintain cohesion in your friend circle.
  8. Two drink limit per person is bullshit.
  9. That’s too much damn ice in my drink.
  10. They had low music until the “featured” DJ showed up fashionably late.
    • Folks, just let it rip from open to close.
  11. The Catherine O’Hara tribute video was nice.
  12. Charli xcx ain’t shit. I previously thought that her music would hit in the appropriate setting and yet it did not.
  13. DJ played Toxic (2003), which is older than most people in there, maybe older than him.
  14. DJ always chose a light skinned twink to go on stage and dance5.
    • There are no light skinned twinks that can’t dance. If you find yourself in this predicament, it’s time to learn where the clitoris is6.
    • The meta for these folks is HARD. Dancing, twerking, stage presence are not enough. All of them did the splits and other aerial bullshit.
  15. I don’t know white gays that well. The frat boy asshole gay is so confusing to me.
  16. The 100% sober wasted girl still exists.
  17. This place was 90% straight women and no one was getting some.
  18. All them kids had their phones out all the time. Multiple were live streaming the whole thing.
  19. My feet hurt.
  20. I have news to the girl that was next to us. Your boyfriend is gay7.
  21. These tiktok dances have gotten too complex.
  22. Wait, is this a gay club? That would explain so many things.
  23. What time is it? TEN? HOW IS IT ONLY TEN?8
  24. Again, why only two drinks? These are barely enough to wet the whistle.
  25. Made it back without spilling any of the drinks!
  26. Immediately bumped into and now my hands are wet. 😦
  27. I’m so glad I changed my mind and am not the DD. I wouldn’t survive without alcohol.
  28. Wife is having a great time9.
  29. Clock check. ELEVEN. I’ve been here forever.
  30. There are twenty people on the stage. DJ is panicking.
  31. My back hurts.
  32. Do I save this girl from this guy ineptly hitting on her?10 NOPE.
  33. I want to punch this guy but it would be a bad look.
  34. I miss fighting.
  35. Just one little punch. A fast boop, if you will. He is so punchable.
  36. 11:11. Is the clock moving at all?
  37. I’m so tired.
  38. HOW THE FUCK DID I DO THIS 4-5 TIMES A WEEK?
  39. 11:15. Wife: I’m satisfied, do you wanna go?
    • Internally: YES! YES! YES!
    • Externally: Are you sure? We can stay.
    • Internally: Please don’t listen to me.
  40. COAT CHECK LINE TIME.
  41. I need to pee.
  42. Wow this bathroom is so clean.
  43. The HIVES is playing here soon?
  44. Half the sinks don’t work, cool.
  45. I have my stuff back and am warm.
  46. Uber driver cancels on us.11
  47. Second Uber driver cancels on us. Wife makes face.12
  48. I whip out my phone like a gunslinger and order a ride from my phone.
  49. Only five more minutes.
  50. My wife’s song plays while we wait for the driver.
    • Crisis averted she doesn’t care.13
  51. In the car going home.
  52. My back hurts so much.
  53. I put the wrong address in.14
  54. We made it. TO the bed we go.
  55. Cat is howling.
  56. HOW THE FUCK IS IT ONLY MIDNIGHT?
  57. Wife: I had a great time!15

  1. Marriage is easy like that. ↩︎
  2. It’s where the better jokes are. ↩︎
  3. These kids be rich. This cover fee was not cheap! ↩︎
  4. Right? Right? ↩︎
  5. Ball knower. ↩︎
  6. If that proves too difficulty, a couple of steroid cycles and a hearty diet will make you a bear (or bear-like). ↩︎
  7. He might be a light skinned twink that can’t dance still figuring it out. ↩︎
  8. I’m tired boss. ↩︎
  9. Marriage is so easy. ↩︎
  10. Girl, you need better friends. ↩︎
  11. Marriage difficulty increases. ↩︎
  12. Marriage difficulty increases sharply. ↩︎
  13. YAY! ↩︎
  14. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF ↩︎
  15. Marriage is so easy. ↩︎

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