In 2011?1 an ESPN article talked about how then hottest college basketball coach prospect Shaka Smart played in an all white AND an all black basketball league at the same time. Like Shaka Smart a lot of cfb coaches are ethnic ambiguous. Iam not going to try and figure out who is what. I’ll merely point out the individuals that make me go “huh that’s interesting”.
Bald man division
Nominees:
- James Franklin (formerly Penn State)
I know that a lot of folks learned that Franklin was a black man when he was fired from Penn State (largely for failing to win big) a few weeks ago. Funnily enough the death of black football coaches think pieces did not come out for him. My best guess is that the writers that usually do these stories have been fired or don’t want to claim Franklin.
He represents the most common archetype in this list bald light skinned black or bald heavily tanned white.
Speaking of bald heavily tanned whites:
2. PJ Fleck (Minnesota)
At first glance obviously white but that’s because he lives in Minnesota and never sees the sun. Put him below the mason Dickson line and boy will burn crispy.
3. Dave Aranda (Baylor)
One the hardest to pin point. Maybe it’s some latinidad mixery , maybe Sicilian heritage, maybe he is passing. It’s hard to know. His parents are Mexican immigrants so we can chalk it up to that. There are other Latinx folks in this list but none ride the line like Aranda.
4. Clark Lea (Vanderbilt)
At the other end of spectrum we have the most definitely likely white Clark Lea. And yet “is Clark Lea” autocompletes to “is Clark Lea black” on google. Being the HC at Vandy who has a history of hiring black coaches has something to do with.
5. Sean Lewis (San Diego State)
Ignore the photo. Close your eyes and think on the name. That man in your mind is black. There are other Sean Lewises out there. They all have been assumed black. They are all black. The football coach Sean Lewis seeming inability to tan points towards whiteness.
6. Tony Elliott (Virginia)
The rare black coach holding on his last strands of hair. Whenever he is under the lights for a press conference he gets so white washed that you can wonder. Not using his far superior name Antonio also helps create the ambiguity.
7. Lance Taylor (Western Michigan)
His Native American genes (Choctaw) are strrrrong.
8. Tony White (FSU DC)
Another Tony, this time besmirching Anthony. smh
Winner: James Franklin
Latinx division
Nominees:
1. Manny Diaz (Duke)
2. Mario Cristobal (Miami)
Multi-generational white Cubans. So white they might as well be Italian. If their names were Matt Dean and Mark Crystal no one would bat an eye.
3. Matt Campbell (Iowa State)
Listen I know he ain’t but he has the look. Even in Iowa, people talk to him in Spanish first. Just saying.
4. Rich Rod (West Virginia)
Deep sociological question. Is someone from the Iberia Peninsula (Spain or Portugal) Latinx? Yes and no. American school of thought leans no and focus only in Latin America and maybe the Caribbean. Latin American schools will include and not include Iberia depending on the situation but the definition extend to them.
Anyway Rich Rod gets his name from a Spanish immigrant. No one would really wonder otherwise.
5. Dave Aranda (again) (Baylor)
6. Tony Sanchez (New Mexico State)
Unlike Aranda the baldness does not put him in the first category. Another Tony, this time dishonoring the second best name Anthony. Puerto Rican Air Force brat turned football coach, the true American dream.
Winner: Dave Aranda
The double bamboozle clinches for him.
Secret third thing division
Nominees:
1. Marcus Freeman (Notre Dame)
This handsome fella is both black and Asian. Almost the full Tiger Woods.
2. Lance Taylor (Western Michigan, again)
Native American from Alabama with a father who played for Bear Bryant post integration. One of one.
3. Timmy Chang (Hawaii)
There’s a lot going on like a true Hawaiian.
4. Steve Sarkisian (Texas)
It feels like something is going on. He tans way too easily. He married (and divorced) a black woman. And yet Armenian descent is as close as we get.
5. Tosh Lupoi (Oregon DC)
Insert SZD joke here.
6. Tony White (FSU DC, again)
Another two division nominee. Another Tony (Anthony). Even named White which could really go either way. Half Korean. Look at that.
Winner: Marcus Freeman
Supernatural division
Nominees:
1. Curt Cignetti (Indiana)
That’s a vampire.
Winner: Curt Cignetti
May he haunt your dreams.
Honorable and Dishonorable Mentions:
Ryan Day (Ohio State) and Michael Desormeaux (ULL) have suspiciously black hair and beard. That does not qualify them into any divisions but I want to include them. It could be of supernatural origin. More evidence is needed.
Kirk Ferentz (Iowa) is a Highlander but is that really supernatural? Who can say? Are we sure he is the only one?
September Maryland is a supernatural occurrence. Is that Mike Locksley fault? Is he a fairy? He does have a suspiciously magical lapel pin. Not enough evidence.
Tony Gibson (Troy) ambiguous on the basis of going by Tony. The internet has failed to produce a different government which might mean he is an actual Tony. Disappointing.
Mike Uremovich (Ball State) has haunting eyes. Randall Flagg would be scared. Don’t stare for too long for your own safety.
THE END
If you have any thoughts you should probably keep them for yourself.
- 90% sure it is a ESPN profile by Pat Forde that does not exist anymore. ↩︎
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