Grading CFB recurring ads

Is this review sorted in any way? NO.

Is this review consistent in any way? Also NO.

Is this review the absolute truth? YES.

Woke up feeling the cheesiest , Coach! (Cheez-It)¹

A classic. Aways brings a smile to my face. I woke up feeling the cheesiest Coach! 10/10

Modelo Recruiter (Modelo)²

Every week it becomes funnier. Every scene has a wild incoherent fan. Perfection 10/10

Dumbest man alive (Verizon)³

This moron drains two lakes to ask “what is a concealer”. Can’t you read mf? Then he adds insult to injury and asks a fourth grade biology question in the most embarrassing fashion. “Does my plant hate me?” How does this man afford that apartment? There’s no way he has a girlfriend as stated. Who owns all those products in his bathroom? Who waters the plants? Ain’t no way is this dumbass. 0/10

Not a plumber but she dabbles (Google)⁴

Another AI ad where the people are inept. What sort of plumbing is Judy doing that she can learn with AI? AI vomiting useless information on gravel is the exact opposite of what you want, Pedro. Another note, should it not be “These are Judy and Pedro” instead of “This is Judy and Pedro”? Did AI write this? 0/10

Meghan Trainor (State Farm)⁵

General opinion of this ad is terrible. People are tired of replacement-Jake-from-State-Farm and Patrick Mahomes. BUT, all you hear is how ~~much they hate~~ annoying Meghan Trainor is. “Why is nobody clapping?” 8/10

Tummy Capes (Progressive Insurance)⁶

Now this is a terrible ad. The whole Progressive campaign is about how empty their representative’s lives are. They have nothing but Progressive insurance. What time is not covered by selling insurance is filled by mocking each other (usually Jamie). Randomly Superman is in this and I forgot until I rewatched the commercial for this grading. 1/10

Bankguy Career Day (Capitol One)⁷

Speaking of characters with no life, Capitol One BankGuy. Buddy doesn’t even have a name. So many things are wrong in this ad. How the fuck did you get Derek Jeter (baseball Hall of famer), Karen Nyberg (50th woman in space)? Why did pair them with no name bank teller? Why do these children know what bank guy does? WHy is anyone interested in his bs? Most importantly, WHY IS A GROWN MAN ASKING QUESTIONS? IS HE THE ONLY BLACK PERSON IN THIS ROOM? The highlight of the career of bankguy is corporate empty speak.

This ad is also a retread from a year ago. When will out collective suffering end? 1/10

Baseball Dad Mayhem (Allstate) ⁸

I have always liked this stupid gimmick. Lately Mayhem has started impersonating weird man rather than making fun of women. Which helps me enjoy with less guilt. Baseball Dad is perfect. 10/10

MyPatriot/4Patriots 3-Month emergency food supply⁹

I cannot find this ad anywhere. I hope I didn’t hallucinate this nonsense. The food is “good” for 30 or 25 years. This mf explains what a QR code is for 20 of their 30 second hit. Truly bizarre experience. ACC Network/CW finest. 0/10

Vertical video DickPills (BlueChew)¹⁰

Another CW/ACC Network special. Lots of cleavage in the vertical video. Lots of information on the sides. You wouldn’t know what is being sold unless you paid A LOT of attention. Tits though. 5/10

OSCAR THE CAT (SMALLS)¹¹

The hooman complains that cat food is disgusting than serves the nastiest wet clump to his master. The orange boy licks the hooman’s face and the servant gives him a backhanded compliment. “Even his breath is better!”

Come on man. What is going on here? The cat is cute though. 5/10

Protown (Dr. Pepper)¹²

Jerry Jones jump-scare!

Besides that, Dr Pepper might have run out of ideas for Fansville. It has recurred since 2018. Why are they driving to a road game SATURDAY MORNING? Would a Fan not setup up for the tailgate the day before or before dawn? Would a Fan really not know how to drive to a presumably close opponent? Why do the people of Fansville not have GPS? I know Protown is scary but leaving the child behind is abuse. 4/10

Flag planting (Dr. Pepper)¹³

This is the good stuff. Makes fun of something that actually happened. Tech’s mascot is a platypus! Chef’s kiss 10/10

The highlights of Season 8 (Dr. Pepper)¹⁴

The mashup of the ads to come is really something. It’s ad for more ads. The draft slide is funny (the sliding QB is, I presume, the same that blew his knee last year). Respect. 6/10

Real life backups Tommy de Vito¹⁵ and Teddy Bridgewater¹⁶ (Progressive)

Speaking of concepts that have no more juice, real life backups. On the one hand this lady replaces her 5-ish old son with a grown-ass man in family photos. On the other they bring Teddy from retirement to agree with another lady that her boyfriend sucks. Progressive quit it. The first one was funny. Now you are only trying to get a professional player on the cheap. 1/10

Homeowners becoming their parents (Progressive)¹⁷,¹⁸,¹⁹

All funny. I can relate. Except, you know, I am not a homeowner. Just getting older and grumpier. 10/10

Generational Wealth (Progressive)²⁰

Did you think we were done with Progressive? No.

We have Common giving financial advice. A table full of Black Republican speech. Over your supper? Did y’all mama not give you any manners? 0/10

As an aside what is this meal? It’s all salads and some boiled eggs? Some tiny ass plates that nobody is touching. Avoid at all costs. The more I see the angrier I get.

King Henry²⁰/Captain²¹ (State Farm)

Now this is a dumbass campaign with cheap intentions. Part of the same campaign as Meghan Trainor these two are worse. You have Derrick Henry and Aidan Hutchison in non descript uniforms (all white nonsense for Aaidan Hutchinson) being replaced with fat old men with bad accents. Has anyone ever called Derrick Henry “King Henry”? Is unremarkable face Aindann Huntchinson really “the Captain”? 2/10

Go for Dos (Dos Equis)²²

The start is an announcer Chris Fowler – who now says go for dos during broadcasts. The game is DE A&M (4-5 (3-3)) and DE University (9-0 (6-0)). DE U scores to make the score 24-23 with six seconds left. People in a bar chanting. The coach is scared of being questioned by the media. The play call is weird. The runner goes in near the pylon, not towards it. I can only imagine that they called a run at the middle and the RB bounced to the outside. DE U wins. Maybe not there are still SIX SECONDS LEFT. If you always go for dos like the ad says, why going for two here a question? Didn’t you go for dos in your previous scores? How did the score get this way? You kicked a field goal??? Why is this 9-0 team having to squeak by a 4-5 team? 2/10

LSU FAN STROLLING (Coke)²³

This commercial implies some sort of danger for visiting fans. No one is heckled. No bricks are thrown. No racial or homophobic slurs are used. Not even a hard shove. SOFT! 4/10

Legends are born not made (JEEP)²⁴ / Dedication (GMC)²⁵

‘Murica Hell Yeah! 2/10

Restore and Protect (Valvoline)²⁶

This is different. It’s ad for an oil(?) that cleans old pistons up to 100%. What do you mean up to 100%? 0 fits that description. Anything fits that description. What sort of magic is this? Where does the dirt go? Somewhere else in your engine? Straight into your lungs through the AC? I’m calling bullshit on this one. Up to 10/10

Visit Richmond VA²⁷

I can stomach tourism ads that make sense. Why the hell is Richmond VA advertising in a Big 12 game between Arizona St and Baylor in the middle of the night? 1/10

Limo Limu (Liberty Mutual Insurance)²⁸

Stupid play on words? Check. An Emu with a job? Check. Doug is dressed like a plains clothes cop that is not sneaky at all? Check. Doug leans out of a window in a physics challenged way? Check. You would not know what this ad is for if they did not ~~holler~~ play their jingle at the end? Check. 7/10

Streaker Limu (Liberty Mutual Insurance)²⁹

Animals on the field is always funny. Animals treated as if they are human is not. Dude getting leveled by security is funny. Existential discussion of the personhood of Limu (does he need pants?) kinda funny. A game that is Birds 7 – Bulldogs 3 with 3 minutes left in the 1st quarter is alright. You still would not know what this ad is for if they did not ~~holler~~ play their jingle at the end. 7/10.

Hard collar polo shirts (Collars & Co.)³⁰

This is the dumbest product ever created. Why the fuck do you need a hard collar on your polos??? Does it surprise you that Mark Cuban invested in this nonsense during Shark Tank?

Let’s analyze the use cases:

1) by itself: worse than a polo. It will choke you.

2) under a jacket. Those sleeves are too short. That shit gonna be itchy. Everybody will know are dumbass that is not wearing a real shirt because there are no CUFFS!

3) as a mask. collar too stiff to become an eye slit.

While I agree that we have to defeat the tyranny of sleeves, this is not it. Hard collar polos are the moderate-reach-across-the-aisle-democrat of shirts. 0/10.

Lies, Elis (Jersey Mike’s)³¹

There are a bunch of Danny DeVito commercials for Jersey Mike’s. I assume this is the only paycheck he is getting. None of these are worthy of praise or scorn. Except the Eli Manning one. It’s great. Awesome delivery by DeVito and Eli just looks like a baby deer in headlights. 8/10

Less fluid ounces (Geico)³²

Geico is another company that floods the airwaves with many different commercials. The fucking lizard is so annoying. However, the ad that comes to mind is on where a TSA agent??? is out here chatting the lizard up. Absolute bullshit. It should be FEWER. FEWER fluid ounces. 0/10

It takes two (Citi)³³

Many sins are committed. It is a whole year old. A dancing number for going deeper into debt. For what? 2% cashback? There are so many tiny letters at the bottom of the screen that I can only assume getting that money is nigh impossible. This song only reminds me of the move “The Proposal”. 0.2/10

Billy Bob Thornton needs cash (T-Mobile)³⁴

Billy Bob wants you to call him. He needs the money. He will not be shy of asking. Just look at him. He is homeless in the fucking desert. 2/10

Zoey Saldana is high (T-Mobile)³⁵

I don’t think coffee is the drug here. 5/10

Hollering (T-Mobile)³⁶

Last and least. I cannot find any evidence of this crime but the ~~gay couple~~ just roommates decides to shout the latest T-mobile offer from their balcony. Not one but tow people reply hollering that they are switching. WTF? 0/10

I probably missed some offenders here and there but this is a certainly a list.

Grading CFB recurring ads

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