I want to enjoy this Copa America even though there are many things I hate about it. Terrible fields with terrible grass on top of concrete1, a field that is at the minimum size2, wildly incompetent VAR decisions, Alexis Lalas saying the dumbest thing possible at any given moment, AAAAAAHHHHH
*DEEP BREATH*
I found the solution. A fun exercise. Which college football team is each national team?
METHODOLOGY
It is all vibes. I started with CONMEBOL as the Big Ten since it fits so well at the top. For Concacaf teams I explored having them all in the MAC but it does not work due to Mexico and USA. I then moved to anything but Big Ten for them.
TEAMS
Brazil = Ohio State
Brazil is, at first glance, very easy: Ohio State is right there. Larger than life, dominant, championships, etc. In the limited Big Ten reality this what we are going with. However, this is a really bad team. It is 3-9 OSU bad. Outside of the Big Ten, we have two possibilities: LSU and Notre Dame.
LSU wins championships, but it is not a stable year to year performer. It has a lot of turmoil outside of the field. Fires coaches randomly. Then out of nowhere it has a year like 2019.
Notre Dame is catholic, overrated, has not won anything recently. That Alabama game in 2013 is basically its 7-1. However, Brazil has a World championship in this century hence not the right comp.
Argentina = Michigan
Finally got a title after years of underperformance. *shrug* Bonus point for the rivalry corollary.
Uruguay = Penn State
Uruguay is the undisputed third power. It is also a prisoner of a long lost successful past. Frankly it is more Yale than Penn State in that regard.
Chile = Wisconsin
Chile is one of the hardest to pin down. It is the top of the middle class. Wisconsin and Michigan State would either work here. The details are not a good match with either. There is a personality type3 for some Chileans that matches Wisconsin which is the reason I picked them.
Venezuela = Indiana
I swear I am not hating on Indiana. I may be a Purdue alum but I am not that petty. Venezuela is the team that breaks the Big Ten comp for CONMEBOL. There is no team that bad. Indiana randomly has the worst win percentage according to wikipedia4.
Colombia = Iowa
Colombia is sneaky bad historically with a somewhat recently uptick in performance. Replace Colombia with Iowa on that sentence and it still holds true.
Peru = Illinois
Peru has a Copa America title or two5, but it is terrible otherwise. Illinois under Lovie Smith is the actual comp here.
Bolivia = Purdue
A team that is not particularly good year to year but has a huge upsetS at home from time to time. BOILER UP!
Paraguay = Minnesota
Another tough one. Sneaky competent throughout. Paraguay has not titles of consequence but neither does Minnesota.
Ecuador = Northwestern
Historically bad, has had a blip or two of competence. One of the worst win percentages. Has a bizarre scandal recently6.
Mexico = Miami (FL)
Why did I impose rules on my own shitposting? I currently prevents me from calling Mexico Nebraska7. Miami (FL) works since the fundamentals are the same. Once good, now not. Nostalgia. Wild things off the field pushes Miami a bit ahead.
When exploring making every CONCACAF in the MAC, Mexico was the big problem. None of the MAC teams have the historical heft even if the teams qualities are on par right now. For shits and giggles let’s say Miami (OH).
USA = Tulane
They should be good. They have the money, the population, the location. They have other priorities. Small uptick of quality in the past decade. That is Tulane. Where it does not fit is that no one is overrating Tulane this much by roughing up terrible teams. That would be Liberty but I shall not take any low hanging fruits.
MAC version: Central Michigan, randomly has a lot of MAC titles and good win%.
Canada = Buffalo
Listen, they are not good. They play in the cold wasteland. Their dominance in hockey made me explore UMass, or UConn. Either would be an ok fit. Both bring a lot of baggage off-the-field that I don’t think is great fit.
Panama = App State
The third power in the current CONCACAF. Historically feasted in the lower level (Central America teams and the like). Can they make the move up and compete?
MAC = Toledo
Jamaica = South Alabama
Another program that had success playing weaker teams. Jamaica is actually quite interesting and so is South Alabama.
MAC = Ohio
Costa Rica = Kent State
Last and least. What could go wrong including them, eh?
GROUPS
| Group A | Group B | Group C | Group D | ||||
| Copa | CFB | Copa | CFB | Copa | CFB | Copa | CFB |
| Argentina | Michigan | Venezuela | Indiana | Uruguay | Penn State | Colombia | Iowa |
| Canada | Buffalo | Ecuador | Northwestern | USA | Tulane | Brazil | Ohio St |
| Chile | Wisconsin | Mexico | Miami (FL) | Panama | App State | Costa Rica | Kent St |
| Peru | Illinois | Jamaica | S. Alabama | Bolivia | Purdue | Paraguay | Minnesota |
GAMES8
GROUP STAGE
Thursday, June 20
Group A: Argentina 2-0 Canada
CFB comp: Michigan – Buffalo Michigan by 21 points 35-14
Did they try? Did they need to? Did they win as expected?
Friday, June 21
Group A: Peru 0-0 Chile
CFB comp: Illinois – Wisconsin 9 OT 20-18 (Illinois-Penn State 2021)
So close to hitting it on the head. Chile is not Penn State solely because Uruguay is a better comp. Someone wins here only because there are no ties in CFB.
Saturday, June 22
Group B: Ecuador 1-2 Venezuela
CFB comp: Northwestern 14 – 21 Indiana
Indiana by a TD it’s the bottom of the B1G any score would be possible
CFB comp: Miami (FL) 14 – 13 South Alabama
Miami/Mexico underperforms against a feisty defense and squeaks by with the W.
Sunday, June 23
Group C: United States 2-0 Bolívia
CFB comp: Tulane 35 – 24 Purdue
This one hurts but if they played today that would probably happen. SP+ has Tulane as a 1.7 point favorite for 2024 but for 2023 it’s a 10.1 favorite.
CFB comp: Penn State – App State 35 -7
Penn State beating a team they should no problem? Maybe this comp is not perfect after all.
Monday, June 24
Group D: Colombia 2-1 Paraguay
CFB comp: Iowa – Minnesota 13 – 10 (2022)? Or 27-22 (2021)?
I’ll give it to 2021 for the multiple goals.
Group D: Brazil 0-0 Costa Rica
CFB comp: Ohio State – Kent State
This is the big one. A down Ohio State has the ball for 40 minutes and no TDs and Kent State has nothing but 3 and outs. Think a handful of 4th and goals failed where the calls were Fade, Fade, Fade, Fade resulting in incomplete, incomplete, sack, incomplete. On the on hand, it would be a disappointing overtime win for Ohio St. On the other Brazil does not deserve to win. Since it is not as dramatic as losing but almost as embarrassing 3 – 0 Ohio St win in OT.
Tuesday, June 25
Group A: Peru 0-1 Canada
CFB comp: Illinois 10 – 17 Buffalo
Multiple bizarre calls for the refs on this one. A critical targeting ejection taking out a Illini defender (the second VAR red car review). Followed by a pick six in the red zone by Illinois to lose. Nevertheless, an upset. The closest parallel would be a 2017 matchup. Peru is close to 2017 Illinois (2-10) and 2017 Buffalo (6-6). S&P+ would have Illinois as a 3.8 point favorite.
Group A: Chile 0-1 Argentina
CFB comp: Wisconsin – Michigan 21-28
Sounds about right.
Wednesday, June 26
Group B: Ecuador 3-1 Jamaica
CFB comp: Northwestern – South Alabama 35 – 14
It is what it is.
Group B: Venezuela 1-0 Mexico
CFB comp: Indiana – Miami (FL) 21-14
Big upset. Including Miami driving late to tie, pick in the endzone overturned by VAR shenanigans – the hand ball call. On the second try turnover on downs – the penalty and the subsequent billion ridiculous shots.
These are all silly jokes, be chill.
- LINK ↩︎
- SoFi Stadium ↩︎
- Do not think deep about it, it will lead you to some dark paths. ↩︎
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Ten_Conference#Football ↩︎
- 1939, 1975 ↩︎
- https://www.tas-cas.org/fileadmin/user_upload/CAS_Media_Release_9175_9176_Decision.pdf ↩︎
- No Big Ten for guests ↩︎
- I will add the games as they happen. ↩︎
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